Tuesday, May 25, 2010

My Postpartum Depression

When I had my second son Ryan, I was so full of joy! It was another amazing child birth experience with which the Lord blessed me. He was beautiful, healthy and he is a perfect fit to our family. Unfortunately, soon after I came home from the hospital I developed something more then just baby blues. It’s hard for me to say, but I had postpartum depression… it wasn’t too extreme…I know it could have been worse, but that doesn’t make my experience any less painful. I kept telling myself it was just baby blues and that it would soon fade, but time passed and I just felt worse. My poor husband witnessed many times me laughing hysterically at something, and it swiftly turning into sobs that I couldn’t control. He would come home from work, and find me sobbing gut wrenching sobs. I remember many times praying to God… just begging Him to take my feelings and pain away. My husband who is a wonderful man kept asking me what was wrong? What could he do? I really had no words to explain how horrible I felt and how extremely alone it seemed I was. Let alone tell him what he could do to help me…besides pray. Once, I finally realized that it was more then baby blues I reached out to a couple of friends. I was surprised with the different reactions I got. I expected total understanding, and support from one…only to find that my concerns were just brushed off with no real thought to my situation. I couldn’t help walking away from that experience feeling even more worthless. Weeks later, I confided in another friend, who made me feel so much better, like she understood what I was going through….FINALLY, I didn’t feel quite alone anymore. I knew that the road would still be long, but I took the encouraging words, and positive experience from her along with my husbands support, and started looking to the future. I could actually see a future that wasn’t filled with dark days and darker nights, but days full of joy!

Today, reflecting on my life, and the months that have passed since my beautiful son was born I feel like I’ve finally overcome my postpartum depression…like a cloud slowly lifted, and I could feel and see the Son. (yes I realized what I put…haha) That doesn’t mean I’m never overwhelmed, and that I don’t have down days…it just means things are clearer, I have less anxiety, feeling of worthlessness is gone, and I feel hopeful for tomorrow and thankful for God’s blessings. Remembering that dark time, I’m so thankful that I had the love and support of my husband, family members, and my friend. I thought many times that it wouldn’t go away unless I took medication….that was the last thing I wanted to do. I realize that many women have severe post partum depression, and NEED medication to help themI totally support that. I did load up on vitamin B(s) and still do! Even though I felt so alone, I know my Heavenly Father never left my side, and he gave me strength to get through the days I felt weak. He loved me when I felt unlovable.

You’re Always There for Me

When the world comes crashing in
And chaos rules my mind,
I turn my heart to you, Lord,
And pure, sweet peace I find.
You lift me out of trouble
You comfort me in pain;
You nourish, heal and cleanse me,
Like cool, refreshing rain.
In times of joy and bliss,
When things are going right,
You lift me even higher,
And fill me with delight.
You listen to my prayers;
You hear my every plea;
I’m safe because I know
You’re always there for me.
By Joanna Fuchs


B.E.Hughes said...

So glad to hear the recovery is underway... "this too shall pass" is such a burden lightening verse!

Jenn said...

I'm sorry you had to go through this Lindsey. I understand how hard it can be, I went through it with Britney. It's a very scary time. I'm so happy to hear you are feeling better =) I know we didn't get to know each other that well when we were at BBC but please, if you ever need anything or anyone to talk to I'm here. *hugs*